What's the story, maniacs of misleading mauling?!
Welcome, one and all, to the 11th edition of...
The Weekly Watchlist Wrestling Roulette!
Yes, dear reader, it's back! The once-every-10-weeks tradition continues! We've crossed the milestone of 10 editions of Wrestling Roulette, with the 11th instance proving to be the craziest of them all!
For those unfamiliar with the general concept, once ever 10 weeks, I let a random number generator pick the matches for me. That is normally what I let happen, but this week is somewhat unique, and you'll find out exactly why as you read on.
So what am I keeping you here for? Go ahead! Read on!
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| DDT |
Here's the rules for Wrestling Roulette;
1: I am allowed to pick 5 matches of my own from the list/not on the list I want to watch.
2: I am allowed as many rerolls as necessary until I land on a match I have not watched yet.
3: I am allowed 3 rerolls total if I land on a match I do not want to watch.
4: I am allowed to skip a match for free if it is too difficult to find or exists behind a paywall I do not want to pay for.
5: Wrestling matches can still be watched if they are not going to be up for consideration for a Wrestling Roulette review.
So, with the rules out of the way, here's what I watched for the week;
Wrestling Day
The "whenever-we-can-manage-it" tradition returned this week, with a full 12 hours worth of wrestling being watched this past Saturday. If you guys have been active readers of the blog, you'll know that this has been a semi-regular occurrence, with my friends offering up both the best, worst, and something in between of wrestling matches for a few years now. I mean, one buddy was insistent on us watching every single Punjabi Prison match. We did, unfortunately, but luckily that means we don't need to watch them ever again.
This time provided a unique opportunity for yours truly, as it happened to line up with my Roulette week. This had no bearing on anyone's choices, mind you, I didn't go into this saying "can you guys pick crazy matches because I want to write about them," these were just the matches they happened to pick.
And, by pure luck, my one friend happened to pick the most bat-shit insane match I've ever seen in my life.
So, for this edition of Wrestling Roulette, I will not be letting a random number generator make the picks for me. I won't even be doing multiple matches. This week, I have decided to lay out the entire review for the craziest wrestling match I have ever seen. And that's saying something after I've sat through the Boneryard match and the "Gulf of Mexico" match.
| Match | Show | Date |
|---|---|---|
| Minoru Suzuki vs. Sanshiro Takagi - Falls Count Anywhere Match | DDT Shinkansen Pro Wrestling | 09/18/2023 |
• • • • •
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| What am I looking at. DDT |
Basic Breakdown
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| The battlefield for the day. DDT |
Look, what more needs to be said about this match. It's a "Falls Count Anywhere" match taking place on a Japanese Bullet Train. What clever musings or clever quips do you want me to come up with for this one? I've got nothing. Not a thing. Now you guys know why I've opted to lay out the entire review for this match.
This entire match is available for free online if you know where to look, it's not hard to find. The match itself is nearly 40 minutes long and the full show itself is an hour long. I actually had a friend of a friend who is apparently fluent in Japanese reached out to and asked if they could translate some of what these guys say, and he came back with "I will not watch an hour of wrestling." Fair, I respect that.
Thankfully, I have a phone that can translate the text on screen (crazy, right?) so as long as they flash some text up for me, I'm good.
We see a sign at the start for the event, what looks to be a plastic binder with writing on it that says "Shinkansen Pro Wrestling," and then we are taken inside the bullet train itself with a wall of text giving a basic breakdown of what these guys can't do inside the train. Basically, don't damage the seats, don't hurt the passengers, and don't interfere with the crew. Stay in your lane, essentially.
Another graphic gives us... usable techniques? Which include; chop, kick, piledriver, and brainbuster. An impressive lineup of possibilities. It also gives us a breakdown of the dimensions of where these men will be fighting, with the width of the aisle listed as 57cm (22in), the tube they will be wrestling in being 16 metres (52.4 feet) long, and the car itself being 2 metres (6.5 feet) tall inside. Not a lot of real estate to work with.
A minute into the video, and our first combatant makes his way out, Sanshiro Takagi, the brains behind DDT Pro Wrestling, the promotion in which this match takes place and far and away the craziest promotion on earth. If you don't believe me, take 5 minutes and read about the Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship. More specifically, it's notable champions.
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| Our first combatant has arrived! DDT |
Anyways, Takagi is out first, making his way down the aisle, and this is the first point where the language barrier is making reviewing this difficult. Even though my friends and I agreed that the language barrier made parts of this match funnier, it hampers my ability to properly go over what is happening, because Takagi is clearly having some fun with the referee and the passengers, as everyone is laughing, but I'm just sat here like a goof waiting for a headlock to happen.
Suddenly, we're fucking flashbanged. I mean it, the screen goes bright white, there's a "POP" sound effect, and a man in a suit is in the aisle with a microphone and seems to be interviewing Takagi prior to the match as well as doing ring introductions... aisle announcements? I have no idea.
The train announcement screen says that they will be making a brief stop at Shin-Yokohama, which is where I assume his opponent will be boarding (unless he's just been taking his sweet time getting ready), and we are treated to some visuals of Japan outside the window. I'd also like to point out, there is a commentary duo for this match, and I wish more than anything I was fluent to know what these goobers were talking about for the entire match.
When we make it to our stop, Minoru Suzuki's "Kaze Ni Nare" begins playing, with Takagi standing waiting. Of course, Suzuki takes his sweet time, waiting, and missing his "Kaze Ni Nare" cue in the song, the point where he normally takes off his towel to a huge pop. Totally missed it here, maybe he was being held up by the ticket checker. Who's to say.
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| If I were on a train with Suzuki, I'd leave. DDT |
11 minutes later, Takagi's opponent has arrived, looking ready for battle as always. Something I want to say about Suzuki, before this match starts properly; it's amazing that Suzuki has been able to build the kind of reputation that he has within wrestling. He is somehow both a terrifying shooter, considered one of the earliest masters of Pancrace, while also being this insanely lovable comedy wrestler. Nobody else has been able to walk the razors edge quite like Suzuki.
Case and point, Suzuki runs down the aisle, mad dogs Takagi, and then takes out his cell phone to get a selfie with everyone on the train during his entrance. What a legend.
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| Smile for the Murder Grandpa! DDT |
Bell To Bell
14 minutes in and the bell rings, with train workers interfering right from the start. C'mon, ref, send them to the back! Restore some order here! Slapping each other in the middle, challenging each other, they start with chops, with Takagi powdering quickly after a Suzuki chop across the chest. Takagi fires back, but so does Suzuki, with Takagi not pleased with the impact that chop made. But he fires up, meeting Suzuki in the middle of the... ring? Car? What's the proper vernacular here? Regardless, Takagi shoots in! He goes for the leg of Suzuki, but Minoru gets a double wrist lock! We've got holds! He holds Takagi's arm against the headrest of a seat, with Takagi... moaning in pleasure? With a similar response to me, Suzuki releases the hold and slaps Takagi across the head as if to say "dude what?!" I guess those head rests are really plush!
It should be noted, there is very, very little in the form of wrestling in this match. Maybe 10 moves total. This is more of a skit on wheels with wrestling as the backdrop. But it took place under the auspices of a wrestling promotion, so it still counts!
Back in the... middle, Suzuki catches the arm of Takagi and wrings it out, with Takaghi marching down the aisle to try and escape the hold, but it's unsuccessful. Sadly, there are no ropes here to break any hold, and I guess they wouldn't matter with this being falls count anywhere either. The referee does urge Suzuki to break the hold at one point, with Takagi leaning into a seat, so maybe the seats count as "outside the ring." I dunno, man, I just write about silly sports.
After talking with someone in a seat, Suzuki lands a quick kick to the gut of Takagi, with both men trading forearm shots up the aisle. One staggers Takagi, who fires back with one of his own before quickly landing a flurry of palm strikes, similar in many (not many) ways to Street Fighter's E. Honda's "hundred hand slap." Suzuki is forced back a few seats, but manages to grab hold of a pair and stand tall, pushing back against Takagi. Takagi goes for it again, but Suzuki pushes through the furious assault, shoving Sanshiro back row after row!
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| Straight bonkers. DDT |
Pulling Takagi in, he urges the train to quiet, with the car falling to a hush as he pulls his foe in, cracking him with a stiff forearm shot that can be heard even in the furthest row. Would the back seats be considered the nosebleeds? Anyways, Suzuki stalks Takagi, lacing him with boots over and over again, with the referee getting in his face for some reason as Sanshiro gets up off the floor from the assault. Staying on Takagi, Suzuki continues to attack, saying something to him before turning around and declaring something to the train car.
Taking a running start, Suzuki crashes into Takagi with a forearm shot that knocks him to the canv- nope, train car, flipping and rolling down to his back. Suzuki stays on Takagi until suddenly, Takesi Masada appears! I know, I agree! Who?! Another DDT wrestler, from my 5 minutes of research, who appears to be running interference to help Takagi. He lights up Suzuki with forearms across the back, the referee letting all of this slide. Maybe it's part ECW rules here too, I dunno man.
Suzuki is initially assaulted, but eventually he begins absorbing Masada's offence, coming back with forearm shots that stagger him down. Jumping at the window created, Takagi jumps Suzuki now, dropping him to his ass in the aisle. He holds him open for Masada to land kicks and then goes for a cover in the aisle, but he only scores two. Dang.
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| Calling for a lifeline. DDT |
Suzuki is able to fight his way out, going to the ref and... asking for his phone? He retrieves it and makes a call for backup, with Hikaru Sato showing up in that grey one-piece thirst-trap outfit that was all over the internet a few years ago. My research has revealed to me that Suzuki trained this 46 year old freelancer, so it makes sense that he'd be the one he calls. Just didn't expect him to show up wearing... that. Either way, his backup is here and is ready for a fight, with Suzuki holding both Masada and Takagi for Sato to wail on them in the middle.
It's now an even match of 2 on 2, but the chaos is slow and filled with plenty of bantering with the patrons on board the train. At one point, Takagi and Sato are fighting, while Suzuki and Masada are just standing near each other. Suzuki does go for someone's overhead storage and grabs an umbrella, using it to wail on Masada, even going so far as to open it on board the train! He continues to attack Masada, but then he attacks Sato! Oh no! I thought they were friends! What's happening!?
The chaos continues as Takagi brandishes the umbrella now, choking Suzuki down to the ground and pinning him, but the referee is on the other end of the aisle watching the other two beat each other senseless. Takagi calls for the ref, but Suzuki catches him in an armbar! We have more holds! Wrestling! After Sato holds Masada open for Suzuki to land a running boot, he takes a chance to wipe himself down with a towel he finds on one of the passengers, wiping himself down. He's built up quite a sweat working such a hard-hitting match!
The fighting continues, with Sato and Masada working each other over pretty severely. Suzuki lands a kick on Takagi and chases him down, eventually getting him in a sleeper. With Takagi down, Suzuki gets him into position for his signature Gotch style piledriver, with Masada trying to save his partner, but Takagi fights up vertical, nearly forcing Suzuki to kick the ceiling, which the referee is vehemently trying to tell him "no! no! Do not!"
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| Mind the ceiling! DDT |
Back in the middle, it's back and forth amidst laughing with the patrons of the train, with Takagi getting Suzuki in a choke hold. When suddenly, Danshoku Dieno is here! A rather polarizing figure that has been with DDT since it's earliest days, Dieno makes his way down the aisle good and slow, making sure to shove his g-string clad buttocks into each aisle-sitter on his way down. Wearing an apron and carrying a tray of something unknown, the action continues despite his appearance.
Suzuki is the first to go to Dieno, with commentary giving away that his try has ice cream on it! Grabbing a cup and a small spoon, Suzuki takes a brief ice cream break, with Takagi following suit shortly after. The combatants, and referee, enjoy the sweet treat, in many ways (none at all) similar to the ceasefire that was granted during World War 1 on Christmas Day. Enemies now allies amidst this violent, bloody war. It's not until now that I realize Sato and Masada have disappeared entirely, like dust in the wind.
There's a bit of discussion between the fighters and Dieno, who removes his apron while Suzuki holds Takagi, tossing it aside before charging in with... a kiss? Takagi ducks, and Suzuki gets Dieno's lips planted on his! This all but kills Suzuki, who falls to the floor of the train in a heap from the vicious submission hold. Takagi goes for a cover, but Suzuki is able to get free at two. Somehow, someway. Using someone's dress to wipe his face, Suzuki rises and returns to combat, dry heaving as he staggers away, with Masada and Sato suddenly showing up again!
Again, the language barrier is a slight issue here, with Suzuki and Takagi bickering about something before each taking a knee to have a peek out the windows. Suddenly, music begins playing over the speakers, with... Jun Akiyama showing up?! Huh?! The unofficial Fifth Pillar of Heaven?! What the fuck are you doing here?! At this point in the match, my friends and I are losing it when Akiyama shows up, and I need to describe to my buddies wife, who is not a wrestling fan at all but was loving this match, that this is the equivalent of an A-tier character just showing up during the C and D characters plot. Like what the fuck is Akiyama doing here?!
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| What is bro doing here?! DDT |
With Takagi holding Suzuki's chest open, Akiyama takes a running start and lands a kick into his chest, dropping Suzuki to the floor hard. Suzuki tries to escape by kicking his feet and sliding across the floor, but Takagi goes for a pin. Acting on instinct alone, Suzuki reaches out, grabbing the leg of a patron, confirming that they count as rope breaks in this match.
With Akiyama now holding Suzuki open, Takagi suddenly appears with a giant silver fist, like Hellboy's right hand of doom. Stalking Suzuki, who is squirming in the grip of Akiyama, Takagi winds up and shoots off the fist, but Suzuki ducks and it nails Akiyama in the face! Oh no!
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| Back, and to the left. DDT |
The referee and Takagi check on Akiyama, who is alive and rising to his feet, by some miracle of God. He's on his feet and he's pissed, grabbing Takagi going for his signature exploder suplex in the middle of the train car, but the referee tries to calm to situation, as it is not one of the approved moves! Moving in during the distraction, Suzuki grabs the massive fist and equips it, playing a few rounds of rock/paper/scissors with some of the patrons. Somehow, he loses almost every round, but is able to crush a pair of scissors before returning to his foe.
They banter back and forth for a moment, with Takagi clearly trying to tell him to not use the fist, but Suzuki doesn't want to listen to reason. Slowly, he approaches Takagi, eventually cracking him in the jaw with the massive right hand, sending his foe staggering back like a pinball in a cabinet. Seizing on him, Suzuki hammers him over and over again with right hands, assaulting his head and turning his brain to mush with each crushing blow.
Takagi is somehow able to fight back, landing a chop and ripping the massive gauntlet off the hand of Suzuki, turning the weapon on his foe and smashing him over the head and back with it! Standing tall in the middle, Takagi bellows out and encourages the rest of the train to cheer him on, when suddenly, Kazunari Murakami shows up! Who?! Yeah, I dunno either. My brief googling has revealed he's a menace in the ring, a violent, brutal, and believable ass kicker, which makes me wonder what he's doing on this bullet train!
Attacking Takagi, then Masada after he runs in, he even goes after Suzuki! Showing he holds no allegiance to anyone and is just here for a fight. As quick as he shows up, he's gone again, dragging Masada out with him. Back to the action at hand, Takagi is staggering away in pain and Suzuki attempts to wear the gauntlet as a helmet, but nicks the ceiling when he stands tall, checking with the referee as well as the ceiling itself to ensure he did not cause any structural damage.
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| Could have blown a hole in the damn ceiling! DDT |
With Takagi returning to Suzuki, the two exchange words, the referee offering them a cloth to dry off the sweat. Again, finding a temporary truce, they wipe each other down, but Takagi turns on Suzuki! Wrapping the cloth around his throat, he chokes Suzuki out! Fighting to his feet, Suzuki grabs one of those bento box looking things as Takagi releases the hold, taking a moment to have a snack. Good lord, this match is insane. Like, Suzuki is full on just eating sushi in the middle of this match. Takagi is chatting with the passengers, wiping himself down, and just hanging with Suzuki while he has a snack and a drink, sitting on the arm of a passengers chair. Insanity. I love this.
After the impromptu snack break, the fighters return to eac- wait what the actual fuck. Are you serious?! Are you actually serious right now?!
Dressed in a suit with a train conductors hat, Kenta fucking Kobashi is here. You guys remember how I said Akiya was an A-tier character? This is a SSS-tier character. This is like God himself descended from the heavens to mingle with mortals. What the fuck is Kobashi doing on this train?!
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| Kobashi the every man. DDT |
Ignoring Takagi and Suzuki, he checks tickets and punches them, working his way down the train car, with Suzuki and Takagi slipping past him while he's distracted. Continuing to fight, Suzuki lays into Takagi with chops over and over, backing his foe up with each one, all the while, Kobashi tends to the passengers. Suddenly, Takagi stumbles back and bumps into Kobashi, the atmosphere in the bullet train changing in seconds.
With his attention now turned to them, Suzuki bows in respect, but suddenly flips the hat off Kobashi's head, blatantly taking back the bow he just offered seconds ago. It's implied by Suzuki's actions that the hat worked as a disguise, similar to how Parry the Platypus is a mere platypus without his hat on. Once the hat is off "the ticket checker," Suzuki stumbles back several feet, realizing he just pissed off Kenta Kobashi. Getting in his face, Suzuki eats a knife edge strike to the face from Kobashi, stumbling back from the sharp pain.
Move Of The Match
Takagi talks with Kobashi for a moment, and they hatch a plan, with Takagi moving to grab Suzuki from behind and hold him tight. Kobashi marches forward and lines up Suzuki, crushing his chest with a signature chop.
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| Skin-flaying, bone-crunching, earth-shattering. DDT |
Recovering quicker than any man has to a Kobashi chop, Suzuki is able to grab Takagi from behind and hold him open too, with Kobashi delivering a second, massive chop to his chest. His hat being returned to him, Kobashi leaves to ravenous "Ko-Ba-Shi!" chants, but not before confronting his old rival in Suzuki one more time, landing another chop across his chest before leaving the train car.
Brandishing the ring bell, Suzuki stalks Takagi, who acts quick and grabs a random towel from someone sitting next to him. Takagi does land a forearm on Suzuki, but Minoru just *tap* lands a single shot on the head of Takagi, his foe slowly dropping to a knee, almost as if he's bowing before him. Takagi is able to wrench the hammer from Suzuki and use it against him, with Suzuki holding his head and walking away from his foe. He checks for blood, despite the impact being less than impactful, with the referee taking the hammer back.
Suzuki snatches a choke on Takagi, but he sits out and forces Suzuki into a jawbreaker, breaking the hold clean in the middle. Going to the end of the car, Takagi charges at Suzuki, but he ducks the shot and slips on another choke hold, spinning him around into piledriver position before spiking him tough on the floor. Covering, Suzuki pins for three!
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| Gotch style! DDT |
Match Time: 37:29
This match is straight up insanity. Honestly, it should not please someone like me. I like wrestling that makes sense, that is hard hitting and brutal. But As much as I love the John Wick movies, I also like watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force sometimes, y'know what I mean? You can like one thing without also hating it's opposite. Sometimes it's fun to just watch some schlock and laugh the entire time at how ridiculous it is. That's exactly what this match is, total schlock insanity. If you go into this expecting anything remotely serious or even once thing about saying "this makes no sense!" then you need to shut up and leave, because not only is this match not for you, but I fear wrestling isn't for you either. Tom Campbell of Cultaholic has said it best for years, "wrestling is at it's very best when it is inherently stupid."
• • • • •
Until next week. Be well, stay safe, and love one another.
cliffmorganwstl@gmail.com
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